I have been bad....

 I have to say"I have Been bad!" It has been so, so very long sense I have written anything. I guess I have just been to wrapped up in my own little world that I have not even thought that maybe venting every now and then may just help! So I am going to start posting more so maybe I will not lose what little sanity I have left.So to start let me tell you all what has been up with me!
  First, We have finely moved home! Yea! I have missed Louisiana so very much. I am not sure what makes this home but for me it is.We have found a nice house in a small town not to far from Shreveport. It has good schools and it is country enough to be quiet! It is not to far from the people I love, my wonderful coven sisters and brothers and the trip for my hubby to get to work is not to bad.
 Its a older home and as such needs some work, mostly small stuff that just comes with the joys of having a house and the space we have now more than makes up for the little things that have to be done. With the move only being a few days old I am still getting things put in place. But even with all that it already feels more like home than I have felt in a long time.
  My husband started a new job about a month ago. He is the new GSM for a large auto group here in LA. This is the job he has spent almost 20 years working towards. He seems to be happy and I feel that maybe now he may get the fulfillment he has been looking for out of his career. I have taken over our small business, and though it isn't a full time job, it keeps me busy and brings in a bit of extra money some times.     
 Now....for my craziness! I am not sure why but I am so damn moody and short tempered that it is amazing that the boys haven't locked me in closet yet! I know that the move is some of the stress but it is more than that. It feels like sometimes I could just pop from it! I feel overwhelmed by everything! I simply crave alone time and feel like I am selfish to want it. I have begun to lose myself in things like unpacking just to be alone. and don't get me wrong I LOVE my husband and son, but I feel like hiding!Maybe it's because I have had NO "me time" at all in the last 2 weeks! I like to spend time with the people I love, but I also am a person that like time alone also! Anyway Hubby is back to work tomorrow and our son is off to his grandparents in the morning so I am just going to take a DEEP breath and calm my shit down for the next few days! I am going to get the house right, work in the yard, and maybe I will "get right" in my head!  
 well its late and I need to get some rest because the handy man will be here to help fix some of our problems in the morning so I am going to close out this chapter of "bitchy witchy".....wish me luck!

long time....

Well I haven't written in a long time. I have been so distracted by life or confused may be a better word. At almost 40 years old, I think I may be figuring this all out! I have let people convince me I was unhappy. I have let myself be taken advantage of,  I have been so afraid of hurting peoples feeling that i have made myself miserable and done things that I really didn't want to do and in all this I am the only one that has gotten hurt. At first i wanted to blame others for this but I see now that i am the only one to blame.
 So that being said I am changing myself! I am not forgetting my friends but I am looking had at the way i let people effect my choices. I am the one that has to live my life. I am the one that suffers the effects of the choices I make and only me!
 My life is good, and just because others may not like somethings I do or the people I chose to have in my life does not mean I am not happy with my choices.I love my husband. I love my kids. I soon will be home and working on building a house. We have a business that we can grow with. Things are not perfect, but I have learned that happiness is not perfection it is being happy with what you have and making the best of the things you have.
 I have also learned that being happy with myself is important and that surprisingly I am not such a bad person!I like me! I am happy with my life at last! And no one is going to get in my way.....not even me!

Looking Forward

Its been a long 2 weeks that's for sure! We have been very busy with moving and such. We have down sized in a big way and it is really nice to get rid of so much clutter & wasted space! I was getting very tired of taking care of a house we hated really.  I am one of those people that cant stand clutter so we have every single thing unpacked and put away in less that 3 days! It looks like we have been in our apartment for years! lol
Next week is Imbolc and I am looking forward to a long weekend with friends and family. I will be having Rites in Louisiana with SPC and am very eager to see my coven It feels as if I haven't seen them in forever and we just had Yule in December.  We did a long distance contact spell last week that was very cool and helped with the home sickness a bit but I don't think there is anything that can take the place of actually being with them. There is just something calming about the way we all get along, it is a peaceful feeling when I am around them that I don't get anywhere else in the world. Being so far from that is hard sometimes. So I jump at the chance to be with them so I can just soak up the energy that flows so easily from all of us when we are together. Just the shear peace and joy of friendship, and simple pleasure of relaxed conversation and fellowship those are the things I miss most when I am away from them.
I will be doing video blogs next weekend on the trip and post lots of pics of the trip. May the Lady and Lord bless and keep you all!

Choices

We all make choices in life, some good, some bad, and sometimes we make the choice that is yet to be seen. Those choices are more about the hope of a positive outcome. More about the desire to have something work out in a favorable way that will bring happiness into our lives in a place that it may have been lacking. When faced with choices such as these, it can be confusing, and down right painful. It is hard to go backwards with only a hope for change but if you don't take the step back you have to live with the unknown "what if" forever. I have many "what if's"  in my life and because of the lingering questions that come with that I have experienced lingering large doubts, and these have caused stresses in my life that I so wish i did not have.
 So faced with large choices in my life now I seem to have a hard time making the hard and fast choices and once made I lack commitment to them. I just have to see the what if through to the end. And hope that this time, things will be different. I will give things a true effort, as long as my efforts are matched, and in my heart I know if It doesn't work then I really tried and if it does work I will have grown through the effort given. Then there will be no dreaded "what if" nagging anymore. I will be able to walk forward on the path given to me by the Lady and Lord without questioning my own efforts and know that I did the best I can. I hope that things work, I think they will, and I know as long as I do my part in it all, I will not have fear in my heart as I walk down the path of my life.
 I am not alone, I have wonderful people in my life that will stand with me and support me as I walk along. I know they may not all understand my "choices" but they will respect them. I respect each of my friends and family. I am blessed to have them and love them all.

Is it over yet?

Well , it's almost over.... The holiday season. I have been in a very ant-holiday mood this year! I have boycotted the commercialism and obsessive tendency to to become all consumed by "things" and "stresses" that seem to rule us all us each at this time each year. We as a family did not do the overblown Thanksgiving feast, and had no planes to do the ridiculousness that was our gift giving last year. That being said, I did spend the greater part of Christmas eve Cooking a LARGE meal that we decided to do at the last moment because we thought that 2 of the older kids where going to come in..... So I cooked all day and was up until 2 am Christmas morning cooking and letting myself become completely obsessed with the desire to make a feast fit for kings and queens!  That being said, time came for the kids to come and.......we wait.....and wait.....and text.....and call.............and NOT A DAMN peep! So am I mad? um......YES! I am so sick of the step kids hurting not only my feelings but there Dad's feelings! First and foremost on my mind is this, I KNOW if we had done the overblown Christmas gift giving extravaganza that was given last year they would have all been here with bells on! But because we wanted a simpler holiday, one that was more about the true spirit of what we see the holiday should be, they not only didn't show up.....but didn't even have the common courtesy to call and let us know they were not going to come! It made me mad, and really upset there dad. So needless to say, I will NOT be doing any big things for them anytime, that ship has sailed!

 On a good note, It was a blessed yule with my coven! They are such a wonderful group of loving people! The Ritual was amazing and I simply can not say thank you enough to express all of the hard work that my wonderful HP and Elders go through taking care in all the details and work that they do each and every time  we have ritual! It was amazing! I love you each and every one and Thank the Lady and Lord for bringing you each into my life!
 So now, the only one left is New Years. So what is my plan for New years Eve? NOT A THING! I am here in Athens and I do not see a night out or party happening anytime soon. So as for plans?...... Nope. Not a one! I hope everyone has had a Joyful holiday! Be it Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah or any other day of joyous celebration that is uplifting to your heart! And my you all Have a safe and Joyful new year!
 

Holiday Spirit....

I just can't get into the mood to do the holiday thing this year!I pulled out one box of decorations, unpacked it and there it sits. Untouched.... I want to but for some reason It just feels... unnecessary...and at times even unwanted. I guess its the hole over commercialized prolonged event seems to simply makes me feel played, used, and abused! I am sick of the tv commercials that try to make everyone feel bad if they cant spend BIG money on people! Example: "Every Kiss begins with Kay!" Ugh so people have to buy love now? WTF? I am so tired of the images and auditory assaults to the senses that bombard us on a daily basis!
We wonder why our kids have lost the values of old. We have killed them! We are so obsessed with the accumulation  of  unnecessary things to show others we are successful that we have lost sight of the simple family values that should be in the for front of the whole holiday season!
 I think of what I want my holiday to be, and I don't see expensive gifts or large expensive meals that take days to make. I wan't to simply be with those I love, to have time to talk with friends I miss and to take time in the fleeting moments of the passing year to show them I how much I love them and miss them everyday! I want to feel the warmth of love from them that gives me the stores of joyful memories to make it in everyday life. With those simple joys, and warm thoughts I can hold in my heart forever.
 I want to show my kids it is not about what someone will buy you but what joy they can give to you in a simply shared evening together. The joy of the company of loved ones and friends and the blessing those memories can bring over not just a short time but a life time!
So what does all this mean to me? Whats my point? I guess it is simply this... what I want this year is to take a moment to be with my loved ones. To tell them all how much they mean to me and how much joy they bring to my life every day! I love my kids! I love my husband! I love my friends that are truly more like family! Each and everyone of you are a blessing to me! I am joyful that I have a beautiful daughter and grandson that are healthy, even though they are far from me this year I want them to know I hold them in my heart every day! I want my son to know that it may not be DNA that makes him mine but I love him all the same and with all my heart! I want my husband to know that he brings more joy and love into my life with each passing day and that having him here, happy and healthy next to me is all I need. I want my brother to know that seeing him grow stronger everyday and finding his own joy in life is a gift in its self. I want the wonderful sisters and brothers of my blessed coven to know you each bring a joyful light into my heart with the simple thought that you are there! I want the wonderful Lady that has filled the missing part of my heart as my mother to know I love her and thank the goddess everyday for bringing her into my life! And her amazing partner that has become my guide, and strength on the journey I walk today and everyday I feel your strength and love always! To my best friend, my sister of heart, I will always be here to stand next to you and do my best to lend you a shoulder when you need it and  my heart always!
 This year all I want is to have these wonderful people close, if only for a few moments, so that I can tell them "I love you!" No gifts necessary! You are my gifts! And I and happy with the simple joy of knowing I have you in my life! 

Cloudy Sunday

Fall is in the air, its cooler out and the sky is gray.....It gives a feeling of sadness in a way. I have always loved fall, for the most part but days like today seem to make me kind of sad. I'm not sure why... I love when it rains. I like the crisp clean smells of the air in the cooler weather but the days like today make me feel in between, as if the world is holding her breath for something to come. And in truth it just makes me want to curl up and sleep.
I also have so much to do today.... I HAVE to clean house and do laundry! Ugh the world just never stops. You have to take care of the kids, husband, house, and pets.... Has to be done so. when I get in from work today I will have to start on that.....I think my hubby is getting sick. Not surprising with the way the weather is yoyoing here in Texas. It's 78 today it was 62 yesterday and cold as heck last night! I know I shouldn't complain they are already getting snow up north I would hate that..... I DO NOT like the cold! So I need to just suck it up and take my vitamin C, B-12 and take care of myself so I don't get sick!
My husband had a very bad event happen yesterday. We have a railroad crossing near our home that we cross daily there are no lights or cross guards and it is almost a blind curve. As he was crossing he didn't stop, or hear the train coming. It was such a close call that it literally moved the back of his car almost 2 feet just by the wind force coming off the train. It had to miss him by only inches! And in the little car he was in there would be no way he would have made it! This thing has made me think of what would I do if anything ever happened to him. I have lost so many loved ones in my life I just don't think I could take it! We have our problems, don't get me wrong, but I do love him with all my heart and the thought of him being gone in such a flash, with on warning really shook me up. Hes okay and safe, but it made me think about the fragility of life and how we just assume the ones close to us will be there. So with all that being said, hug the ones you love every day! Let them know you care! and never just assume that they will always be there. Don't take advantage, Love with all your heart and give the best of yourself! Because you never know what today has in store for you, and you have less control in your life than you think!