A little thought

I was thinking a little about my life, both past and present and I thought I should blog it just to get it out so here what follows are simply the rambling thoughts of a mad woman do not hold me accountable.
I still see in myself the scarred child that lost my mother at 10. I still feel that loss as if it where yesterday. And at times I think my heart will break under the wight of it. I have lost so many people in my life, my mother at 10, a daughter taken before she could grow up, my father 7 years ago dear friends and loved ones lost to soon, to young. I have had many other people move in and out of my life, like ghost passing by only leaving faint shadows in my mind of what was and could have been. I have walked away from family that caused more pain to me than love and yet I still have a empty space in my heart that it left to not have them in my life. I long to be with my daughter and grandson that are so far from me, but know that I must let her find her own place in this world and just hope that she knows I am here if she ever need me.
I have a wonderful husband that loves me, and would give me the world if he could,and yet I feel alone. I don't know how or why I can't shake this emptiness that has become so consuming. I try to make my days full. I try to be happy with what I have and on some levels I am but the sadness remains. I talk to friends of the problems and can seem to give the advice that they are looking for from me but I can't seem to do that for myself. It is infuriating to feel so lost. I am supposed to be the one that is strong because of the things that have happened, the losses. But right now I feel as if I am being crushed by them.
I will be going to Samhain rites This Friday in Louisiana. I will get the chance to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in years, I am hoping that I can use this opportunity to let go of the ghost that haunt me. I need to let go of past hurts and maybe then I can move forward to new things. There are days like today I want to put everything from my past in a big pile and burn it.....but I can't because those things are all i have of the ones I have lost. How do you muddle through life only half awake and not go crazy? I have to fix myself! The damn thing is I don't ,for the life of me know how!